No words, I realize that is an interesting and contradictory title for a blog. However, that is how I feel. Or rather, I should say how I have felt for the past 2.5 months. I have no words to describe the awe inspiring, magnitude of God. Everything that he has been doing and has done. I just have no words. But, I’m going to try. I’m going to try and put into words what I am feeling in my heart. Bear with me. I may stumble or go off in a thought but, ultimately, I want to show you how God truly does know our hearts desires, and how He has a plan for each and every one of us.
I’ve always heard that God knows our hearts desires, and he wants to bless his children. God has blessed me with far more than I deserve. He has blessed me with an amazing husband who loves me unconditionally. I should have known that God hears my heart’s desire. He heard my prayers for my future husband, and Kevin is everything I could want and more. But, through the past 5 years, I at times have doubted if he had truly heard my prayers. When I look back now, I am ashamed that I doubted him. Because he heard every prayer that I uttered, even when I didn’t know that I was praying. The times were I sat in the bathtub crying, he heard my heart. I am so thankful that no matter what I did (and do), Jesus still loves me and continues to bless me.
If you have been on this journey with me for a while, then you have read about my struggles with depression, especially learning how to accept that having biological children was not safe for me. Adoption was always our plan, His plan for us. She was always meant to be ours, I see that now. Not a lot of people know that we had some close calls, I wouldn’t say matches, per say, but we did talk with two birth mothers. The first one was 3.5 years ago. She ultimately decided to parent. Which is fantastic! But, over the years I have thought about the “what ifs” with that baby. The other was a scam. We are thankful that God gave us the eyes and intuition to see that things with that situation was not what he planned for us.
Our hardest “what if” was a year ago. Someone told us about a baby girl that was born and the mother took off. The family wanted the baby adopted before DCF intervened. Unfortunately, the mother disappeared, and there was nothing we could do. I was heartbroken! I knew for sure that we had missed our opportunity! I had a hard time coping with that. Kevin simply said that this child was not meant to be ours. That God had a plan. I couldn’t see that plan, though.
In the beginning of January 2019, right about the time we were starting to renew our home study, again, we started attending church. We both grew up going to church, but after we got married we stopped going. We weren’t living for him. We just wanted to do our own thing and sleep in on Sundays.
I believe that was a turning point for us. I believe God started putting things in motion. God wanted Kevin and I to return to him. We had to return to him before we could bring our daughter home. He wanted to teach us, to grow us. He wanted to grow my faith. Kevin had it. Kevin has always known that God would make us parents, but I couldn’t see it. I was too consumed with my grief to see it.
I see it now. I see how he orchestrated everything. I am in awe of God and his faithfulness to Kevin and I.
In March, Kevin took a test for work. He had been studying for months. He has been working so hard for us, for our future child. It would be a step for us to be more financially stable. I just knew that he was going to pass it, and that we would be a step closer to our child. However, he failed his test by ONE POINT! I knew how upset he was. I’ve been there before. In college, I failed a test that was needed for my degree, I failed it by one point. But it still didn’t make it any easier seeing him upset. In the 10 years that Kevin and I have been together, that was the most upset I had ever seen him. He felt like he let me down and our future baby. I held him and told him nothing could be further from the truth! I was so proud of him and I knew he would get it next time! If anything, his vulnerability made me love him more.
Looking back now, we think our daughter may have been conceived right around the time that Kevin took his test. It wasn’t time yet, God was still lining things up. He needed us to wait.
Fast forward to the summer. We signed up with another agency. I was getting impatient and frustrated. We had 6 months until we needed to update our home study for the 3rd time. My heart couldn’t take that. Going through the fingerprints, the questionnaires again, for a 3rd time. I wish we wouldn’t have signed with another agency, we lost money, I was so consumed with my impatience. I was blinded by it.
Summer faded into Fall. Faded into the start of the holiday season. As much as I love the holiday season, I was dreading it. It was another season without our baby.
Within the fall season, our church had a worship night. I wrote about that night in my blog “I am a Christian…but struggle with depression.” I prayed that night, with tears streaming down my face. I whispered to Jesus and said“ If I never become a momma to Ava or Eli you are enough for me. You have brought me through so much, Lord. How could you not be enough for me? Forgive me when I lose sight of you.”
I was filled with hope at that point. I still couldn’t see how or when it would happen, but I had hope in Jesus.
I am human though. Holiday specials brought me down. I was losing sight of God. I was beginning to lose faith, again. I had faith, but it was dwindling down to a mustard seed.
On the Saturday before Thanksgiving, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” always comes on TBS. I grew up watching it with my parents and brothers, it was tradition, I had to watch it. I watched it with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t take it, so I decided to take a bath to try and calm down. With tears streaming down my face I started to pray. Just asking God that if it was his will for us to be parents, that he would make a way. A good friend sent me a text right as I was praying that prayer. She said “Your turn is coming. It will be worth the wait. Love you!”
Unbeknownst to us, our daughter was born the day before….
On November 24th, 2019 at 7:50 a.m. Kevin and I got the call that we have been praying for, for 5 long years. A baby girl had been born and she needed a mommy and daddy. Kevin and I knew that she was the one that we had been praying for!
The second I laid eyes on her, I knew she was the child that I have been praying for since I was 15. I’ve always known that pregnancy probably would never happen for me, but I also knew I was going to be a mother, and it was going to be a little girl named Ava. I had faith that I would become a mom some way. I’ve held onto that hope and faith for years. Sometimes it was small, but I held on to it. I held on to Jesus. When I felt like I was falling, Jesus would hold me tightly and whisper “She’s coming.”
I have called her by name for the past 5 years. I knew we would be parents to a little girl. Everyone around me kept telling me that I needed to be okay with it, if we had a boy, and I would have. I would have loved my boy fiercely, but I knew our child would be a girl. Jesus told me.
God answered prayers that I didn’t even think were really prayers, just wishful thinking. Daydreams that I had. I always hoped she would have dark hair and blue eyes like her daddy. She definitely has dark hair! Her eyes are still to be determined. She is a dream. She is such an easy going baby. She loves her sleep, just like her momma and daddy! She is such a happy and joyful baby. Her smile is so infectious. I cannot imagine my life without her.
I always felt like my CHD took away my dream of being a mother, but it didn’t. It gave me a better dream. A better life with her. If I would have been able to have a child, it would have robbed me of being Ava’s mother. Something I will never take for granted. She is mine and I am hers. We were destined to be together. To be a family.
I see now why our wait was long. We were waiting for our daughter. In the two months that we have had her, we have seen God’s miraculous hand in all of this. Kevin retook his test for work on October 19th and passed it! She was born one month later. Two weeks before she was born a coworker said that God had spoken to her and he wanted her to tell me to stop praying selfishly for myself and start praying for the birth mom. So I listened to God and changed how I was praying.
I am forever grateful to Ava’s birth mother. She loved her first. She held her first. She made the courageous decision to have her and give her a life that she knew would be best for her. I pray that Ava inherits her strength and courage. I am so proud of her. I pray that she knows that. I still pray for her daily. I pray she knows how much I love her and how thankful I am for her.
I share my story and our journey to give you hope. To show that God truly does hear the desires of our hearts. He hears our prayers. He may not answer them in the time that we want them answered. But he does. He makes everything beautiful in his time. He may just end up answering more than you’ve asked of him and completely blow your mind. He is a mighty, mighty God! He’s a faithful, loving and just God. He wants to bless us. We just have to be faithful to him and trust him. And I know that is hard, trust me. When you are in the thick of a storm and you don’t see how you will make it out, just trust God. Have faith in him. He loves us so much. After all, as the Bible says, we are adopted in Christ’s love through Jesus. It says in Galatians 4:4-5 that we are no longer slaves, but God’s child. I hope that you know just how much God loves you, and how much he wants to bless you. We just have to come to him. He is always there, waiting with arms wide open. Waiting to hug his children.
And as I sit here snuggling with my daughter, I see that…
He only wants the best for his children. As any good father does…